thema fuenfzehn

i don't know how to really put what i found into real words, but hm, ok let's see:
well, to put it really short, i was able to see myself without my sweater / ego, and it was so surprising how all of this time, i had been making decisions heavily on my ego. because my ego was comforting and brought me all of this way in surviving, so simply, i should keep relying on it, regardless of how much it hurt me and others. only because i was comfortable--i had been fine with hurting other people.

and that's another thing i found out (which actually was the first thing.) , ok well it all started with little hearts. i saw little hearts go from me to him, and i thought... ok well i didn't think much about it then, until i began to shift in thinking. then it became really clear to me what it meant: i was putting something of myself to him (in a really obscure way). i found: every action i do has a consequence, both on me and on someone else. those were the hearts. and then i had to look at it with a relationship that would probably hurt me the most because at this relationship's core, there was nothing holding this person back (i was thinking blood, as in family ties) from just walking away. it's obvious to me now, but i saw (in this whole moment) that my selfishness and fluffy sweater and insecurities obstructed my ability to actually realize that. i don't know what else to say; it's probably seem redundant. but i saw myself without my ego and it was wonderful.

in addition, i confronted my insecurities over not feeling beautiful. the majority of its origins, i think, came from a family problem that really hurt me, so i turned outward to be brought up, and i think this caused some of my insecurities about myself. but now i see it for what it was, and have also found some other things andi ifeel it'll help out a lot. i've come to the conclusion that i like my flat cheek bones.

post-script: ok so the song had two parts to it in the title, and i kept thinking the first part was baccaleaureate. but then that sounded like bandit (i was trying to find the song title part), but then i thought: SHIT you guys, that's not it, 'cause you can't put a bandit infront of a song title. that's just ludicrous.
it still is